Ain't Nobody got Time for a Whore Bath


I blame all of this nonsense on Chris Young. I have been jammin' out to him all week and almost all of these events happened while I was listening to him. So y'all are officially allowed to "Bless His Heart", take away ALL his sweet tea and tell him "Oh Hell No" as many times as you would like. Then you must leave him to me so he can have my babies and they will sing like angles while we ride off in the Country lovin' sunset. Too much y'all say... Oh, well here is all the fracks I give. It's been a rough week and it don't help that I am sick AGAIN. I feel like I stay sick. It's them po kids I tell y'all.


Hey y'all, it's me again. No linkups today. No special recipe or crafty DIY where I claim I am the Mouth of the South. Just a good old fashion Blog post. You know the kind well I tell you how my life has been one big "HOT OL' MESS" and y'all laugh your fake Southern accents off cause apparently I'm funny in blog land and it's all because I've Never seen a single one of the Harry Potter Movies. (Bam, you are supposed to laugh or get offended. You take your pick) Just read this in your head with my voice and personality.

So shall we get started.( And no I'm not drinking sweet tea while writing this. Actually I wasn't gonna post today but I changed my mind. after a text conservation with bestfriend Numero Due this morning... yes, I have 6 bestfrans. Two are boys and 4 are girls.Anyways!)

So, this nonsense all started the other day when I was headed home from work. (I go to the swank law frim. Leave at lunch. Then head to the after school program job. Both are far from my house. Especially the law firm. I leave my house at 7-7:15 If I have a prayer of getting there by 8:30 am)


When I enter my hometown there are to different main roads I can take to get to my house. (You see we are surounded by a lake. a few years back we were in the top 20 of best small cities to live in by CNN Money. We are considered an upscale bedroom community just thirty minutes East of Dallas. They talked all about how over the last so many years we are no longer a small town but we still have that small town feel and blah blah blah.)

Well, one of these roads is a back road and one is not. I always take the road that is not a back road because it better lit. Y'all know my car is ghetto and I can't see. So I'm driving Monday night and I get pulled over at the same spot I ALWAYS get pulled over. (The cops literally hide at that side street everybody in town knows it. The police are so bad in my town that we made national news a few months back. The lady on the news was like" Do the police in that town not have anything better to do" I laughed and was like try living here.) So I pulled in front of the same house I always pull in front of and hand the officer my info and he let me go like ALWAYS. I pretended I didn't know that you couldn't have your high beams on. And joked that my drivers ed was bad cause I took it in town. (Sorry Ms. Sue. That's one of my Momma's besties and she runs the driving school but "Ain't Nobody got Time for a Ticket") He let me go with a warning since I was less than a mile from home.

Fast forward to Yesterday, I was driving and where do I get pulled over. Yeah, Y'all catch on quick. So I was pissed. I was also mad cause the police officer interrupted my Chris Young jam. I had to turn the radio down and that was so rude of him. I was trying to get home to see what I missed on Dance Moms and I JUST knew I hadn't done anything. Well I pull in front of the SAME house like always and he goes, " you have a head light out" I had to catch myself cause I almost said the other officer didn't tell me that yesterday. Instead I just acted clueless and he was like I see your almost home. Well, just get home safe. Sill  "Ain't Nobody got Time" for this nonsense. That also put a damper in my" I need food for lunch Kroger run" That hobo knows I have to drive two towns over and he was just wastin' my time. Ugh Rude again.

Fast forward again to today... I was so excited cause I was gonna sleep in. I'm talkin' Jesus on Sunday morning excited. So I get up cause I have to pee only to realize there is light coming from my window. I was like that's odd, ain't no way there is this much sun at 6:45 in the am. Haha, it was 8:15 in the am. I had to be at work in 15 minutes and it takes me over an hour. I ran to pee, threw on yesterdays pants that were still on my bed and a top. I grabbed my hairbrush, and was out the door by 8:17 and the entire time I was pissed cause I HATE whore baths and I knew I would have to take one at this swanky law firm. 

I decided to take George Bush. That is the overpriced toll road in DFW. I avoid it at all cost (it's worse then the tax breaks Obama refused to resign and then lied to America when he extended them. So y'all know that is something.) but today I was drivin' like a bat outta hell. (The speed limit is higer than most roads in town. And y'all know I was sweatin' worse than a Mexican at the border or a hooker in church come Sunday morning) Well, I get off cause their is crazy traffic that "Ain't Nobody got Time" for and my GPS is going haywire trying to find me a new route. I emailed them at work to tell them I would be late cause of the traffic and such. As I am about to uturn  out of nowhere comes this young girl in her Momma's SUV and next thing I know I am not at work but I am trading info cause we just side swiped each other.
Y'all, I have never been more happy for Green Bean than I have at that moment. I may make jokes about that ghetto car but it's a trooper when it's not actin' a fool. There is no damage to my car other than the nonsense that was already there and her car only has a small scratch. After all this happens I get an email from work that says, "No problem drive safely" Y'all I was so mad. (And yes I was yellin' at the top of my lungs, "We only bring each other tears and sorrow"

All that drama and I was still super late. Guess God said I do have time for that after all.

But, now that bring me to my current delima where I'm sitting in the swanky law firm lookin' like I just did 10 walks of shame and have the zackly's taste in my mouth (don't know exactly what it is).  Now I am no stranger to a Whore Bath. The day of Daddy's wake it was storim' something fierce and I proudly took a Whore Bath as we were running late and I knew my Daddy wouldn't want no funky poo-nanny at his service. But I don't think these swanky "Old Southern Money- Dallas" peeps are. (One of the ladies is a born and bred Texas Girl and the other day I heard her say in a thick accent. " Get 'er Done" when she thought no one was listening" She quickly lost the accent when she realized I was standing there.) 

Alas I shall leave y'all with some Kellie Pickler so you properly know how to take a Whore Bath.
Thank God American Idol comes on tonight and maybe this day will get better. But not for my momma when the insurance hears about this little mishap this morning. Uh Oh. Y'all pray that my Momma doesn't "Bless My Heart", take away ALL my sweet tea or tell me "Oh Hell No" cause it won't be pretty if she does.

When I finally got to work I had the honor of passing out the new business cards since the law firm name has changed. I have never seen a "Yankee" so happy in my life. He is officially the other partner in the law firm. And I hear by next week I could get an office and stop being in the hall at a secretary doc. Let's pray that I get the one I want with the pretty view.

Well, I guess this is not as funny as I thought it would be. As always: Here's my empty hand and here's all the fracks I give. 
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4 comments

  1. Haha what a day! Glad your accident wasn't serious! Gahh I want to move to Dallas so bad, but I need to find a job first and I know I wouldn't do so well in that hellacious traffic.

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  2. WOW! Sounds like you had a crazy day! I am so sorry about your Green Bean being such a piece! BUT the piece clearly is Dallas Traffic Proof, so two thumbs up.

    and the Kellie Pickler story was hilarious. That girl came from the same side of North Cackalacky as I did.

    Heaven Help Us!

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  3. Sounds like you get pulled over everytime you get in the car...weird. Well, I didn't learn much about a whore bath, guess I'll have to learn something else to be able to say the days complete, lol. I wasn't shocked, insulted or laughing about you not reading Harry Potter.........I thought I was the only person on the planet that hadn't got the fish hook in my mouth.
    Archival Walking

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  4. laughing laughing laughing at this post. You are my fave.

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